Humph

I left Martin for Tom.

Left a decent flat and life for Tom.

Now I'm sat alone in a shitty room whilst he goes back to his 2 bed house.

Whilst he goes and has a drink with his friends, I sit here and prepare to see him... But he'd rather the drink.

And I have no one except my cat to keep me company.

I Don't Know Where We're Going

I feel really low. I know I'm allowed to feel low. It's normal. Low is normal for normal people. I know it's not depression although, understandably, I am scared that it is everytime I feel low for no clear reason. But I know it's not. I am low though. It could be my period or something.

 

So I had a weird day. Working with Tom is cool but he's very aggressive when he works. Not in a bad way - just the way he goes about things. I sometimes feel that I get picked on by him more. I know I'm being sensitive too. I told him, in the end, how I felt. He had to get it out of me though because I was embarressed to tell him as I knew that it was silly, but it was making me feel down. He was cool about it and apologised. God his apologies are amazing. He's so genuine when he says them.

 (Suppressed by all my childish fears)

I sit and try to hurt myself emotionally. I torture myself with his past. I feel I'll never quite match up to past partners. Namely the most recent one, Rachel. I guess it doesn't help that I sleep in her bed, sit in her house. Obviously she's not there, but I know it was theirs. There's a letter from her on his dinining table. It says "wish you were here"... It's obviously recent. There's more to the letter than that but I'm hardly going to read it. I know that they still talk in text. I know I should talk to him about it but I feel that I'm being too immature and I'm scared he'll think I'm being childish too. He will most probably be cool about it. But even if he reacts cool, I'll still worry that inside he's actually really annoyed.

 

I had a little cry. I feel better now. Listening to sad music too. Not sure what else to say really. I'm pretty unhappy at this new place. It's really shit. Kitty's been crying when I'm not here which means I need to be at home more nights. So far I've been spending a night at Tom's and a night here. But apparently she was crying last night. So I guess I gotta stop going to Tom's which is pretty rubbish :-( But soon we'll be living together, so it's not so bad. I need to talk to him about the Rachel stuff before we move in together though!

That's it for now. Kitty's spazzing. It's really funny =) Looking forward to getting a phonecall from Tom soon... I think...! I mean, I think he's calling me, not me calling him.

When I Cannot See Your Face, Take Me Out of Here

It's funny how much my feelings have changed since the last two entries. The "break up" with Martin in the last entry didn't really appear to be a real one... I think he was hoping to put the wind up me to scare me... But it didn't work as I told him a few days later it was over for good.

 Harvey then took me to the boat because we agreed we needed to do that and it would get our heads clear. So he took me after work on Saturday night. We got lost going there and didn't get there til 4am! (I finished work at 1:30am, btw!) Martin text me saying that he didn't want to meet up with me and talk like I'd suggested. So I text him back. He wanted to know why I was still awake and I told him. He went ape shit. Told me I had to take the cats or else the RSPCA was having them... that kinda stuff. I can't be bothered to write it all down - he even accused me of sleeping with Harvey.

Anyway, on our way back to London, Martin calls Harvey and apologises to me. He starts crying... We talk for a bit and I tell him how sorry I am. He hangs up. I finally cry. Almost panic-attack kind of breathing and have a sob. It felt good to finally get upset about it all. I hadn't cried since the last entry.

So I go back to Mum's and into work on Monday. Wednesday to Thursday was magic. Tom and I went to Eastbourne. Oh. My. God. I have totally fallen for him. I'm so ridiculously happy when I'm with him it's unreal. It's a fairytale. I know that I shouldn't be seeing him so soon after Martin... But why not when I feel so happy? If I get hurt, I get hurt. Actually, it's not so much "if" it's more like "when"... I got this feeling with Joe and little Ian... But nonetheless, I'ma stick this out and enjoy feeling amazing whilst I can. Who knows, I might be wrong... and I don't want to not find out really!

 He's been working away for the last few days. I've really missed him. Last night was awful. I was really down. Just lay in bed for hours listening to Pink Floyd and crying. Maisey (Billy's dog who's very particular) hopped on my bed and cuddled me whilst I cried. Felt really good. What was really weird is that the girl he's working with is one of Martin's closest friends! And they get on really really well. Straaaaaange. Bit close to home for my liking Ah well. But he was drinking with her and I was hoping he'd call me, but he didn't and I start getting all paranoid that he doesn't really feel for me what he says he does... but I tell myself to stop being an idiot and to just trust him. Earlier in the day, I text him asking if he wanted to go for a drink for a friend's leaving do on Friday night. He said he didn't know and would it be as a couple? I didn't know, but I had a feeling that he wouldn't come out... But lo and behold, he has said he'll come because he really wants to see me and misses me. YAY!

 This must get pretty dull reading about the men in my life....

So Just Pull The Trigger

So a sleepless night lies ahead of me.

Martin and I broke up. I'm away at Mums at the moment in a miserable attempt to sort my head out with what I want. I'm so exhausted from talking. We talked about calling the wedding off, but he text me the next day unsure on the decision. I mentioned having a break from us but then things felt better so I went against it. Then we went back to having a little bit of fun and then it went sour again so I went back to Mum's place. And a day later he suggests this. I'm not even wearing the engagement ring.

 Not sure what else to say. I was hoping for some profound writing to spew out, but no avail.

Dear Diary

So it's been a while since a long heart-pouring entry. I'm currently listening to Rihanna's "Russian-Roulette"... Suitably depressing for me right now. I think it's also reflecting so many of my feelings... which is strange because it's by Rihanna!

Anyway.

The day before Christmas eve, I kissed my workmate, Tom. I've gotten to know him very well over the last few weeks and we have a laugh hanging out. He gives me ridiculous butterflies and apparently I give him the same. We went out on a random day - took a boat down the Thames... froze... drank coffee, talked. It was wicked. Then we went out in the evening. Chatted for hours... froze... Then I went home. So on comes Wednesday. We go out for a drink ('It can't be a big night out' I believe were the words spoken). We are essentially acting like a couple. He's sat with his arm over my shoulders and I'm nuzzled into him. I love it. Then we meet this random guy called Matt who is wicked and we get chatting, the beer's flowing. Tom's arms are around my waist. I make sure they stay there. He follows me outside when I smoke, keeps me warm. I am still loving it. Then we go onto a club, bump into Joe... (Yes, Joe who I cry about in old entries!) which is fucking random. Anyway, I try and be discreetly naughty with Tom, but that didn't last long. Especially when I plant myself on his face. He kisses me back... His lips are so soft. His moustache tickles, but it's also soft so it's just a really nice feeling! So we continue to steal kisses throughout the night. Joe's seen, Matt's really pleased. Then I get upset. I tell Martin (my fiance) - he doesn't come home. He won't answer my calls, reply to my texts. I'm worried he's going to leave me.

The next morning, Tom gets in contact and asks me to see him in town. I figured that it was a bad idea and said no. Then I saw that I lost half of Martin's Christmas present in the drunkenness from last night. So I have to go into town anyway. I text Tom. I also text Martin - I want to see him between shows. But he won't see me. I have a coffee with Tom. I laugh with him. I hadn't laughed or smiled all day. Then Tom makes me laugh. A lot. And grin. Proper sore-face grinning.

I finally see Martin after work. We make up. We go to Wales to see his family. Christmas is great. I feel a bit distant sometimes though. I miss Tom. I text him in drunkenness that I missed him too...

So I start flirty texting Tom whilst at home alone last week. I go to work - he's not in but he's popping into town anyway. So we meet up. We have some dinner (a sandwich - I only had an hour) and between 6:30pm and 9:30pm I convince him to wait for me to have a break again at work. We meet up again. He has his hand on my knee for ages. I love it. I try to convince him to wait til the show's finished. He agrees, then changes his mind. We have a long hug goodbye. It feels like my heart's breaking. I want to cry... For some reason it feels like I'll never see him again. He texts me saying that I looked so good this evening and how sorry he was that he had to go. I met up with Martin and his team after work and I sat there in the distance. Tried to make conversation but I wasn't all there.

I eventually talked to Martin.

I am scared about getting married when Tom makes me feel all these emotions. I don't think I can leave Martin. I don't think I want to leave him. But I'm taking a week out to chill at my Mum's house.

My head's all over the place. I'm scared that I'm getting depressed again. I attempted an overdose. It was stupid, I know. Bloody lemsip. Just made my heart race haha. Not that I'd recommend overdosing on lemsip and you'd be fine... I was very lucky. I really just wanted to stop the pain. I still feel things would be easier if I had a near death experience. Maybe things would just fall into place. I don't think they will if I attempt suicide because that just complicates things. I'm not looking for an accident to happen, it's just how I'm feeling at the moment.

I still want to see Tom. I miss him a lot... It's rubbish! So confusing.

Black Listing

So today I took the first steps into finding out how I can get Ian (the teacher) black listed.

1/2 of the reason why I'm doing this is for Martin's benefit. He's angry about it all (which in turn makes me upset because it's not his problem - it's mine). The other half is for me as I probably was groomed and who's to say he won't do it again? OK, so I haven't said to myself that I definitely was groomed, but reading other people's accounts of similer situations, I realise I probably was (although he was very good at convincing me that he loved me and that we'd be together forever).

Little things are making me think I was groomed. Firstly there was the little voice in my head that said "No" until I pushed it down and smothered it. Secondly there was the talk of "Don't tell anyone - they won't understand". Thirdly there was the disgusted feeling I had inside me when he kissed me and how I really didn't like it. I've thought of another one, but I'm sure the English language doesn't go as far as "fourthly" as a "bullet point thing". Anyway, my fourth point was how he still insisted he touched my upper half despite my objections and found it funny when I wouldn't let him. He also asked me if I found horse riding turned me on. No partner has ever asked me that since. So at the time I justified it in my head. Now I can still justify it to myself even though I can say that it was wrong technically. But that doesn't mean I definitely believe everything about the relationship was wrong, because I don't as I know that he was clever enough to brain wash me into believing that it was normal. So there's half of my head going "Evil, brainwashing, pedophile" then there's the other half that says "He loved you, he wanted to be with you forever, of course it was all real".

 

So there we go. Well, I'll just have to wait and see what the next course of action is.

Dreams

So had the wierdest dream last night.

It had Ian in it... as in the teacher Ian. I dreamt I was on this farm where I had lots of my family there - not my family in reality, but it was a big family. I think Martin was there too.

I remember finding Ian thrown in a bath tub on a muck heap that was full of god knows what. He'd passed out - I think he'd been beaten up. I helped him out. As I did so, he came to and there was the terrifying sound of thundering hooves. We had to hide as a mass of men wielding swords and shields galloped passed us. I wasn't very well hidden and I think they saw me, but I kept my head down. Bizarrely, they were called the Vikings.

To save Ian, I had to hide him from my big family (which in reality I don't have!). Sometimes we'd get caught and he'd get beaten up, but not as badly as the first time as I was there to block it. I remember going to some sort of party and there were rooms that looked like hospital wards. I'm not sure what happened next - I think I woke myself up for one reason or another. I do remember running away with him though.

Not a particularly accurate account of the dream, but then again, it is a dream and it has left me feeling a little wierd with the urge to email Ian and find out if he's ok.

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